Old Yellow Truck by eqqman

I’m a computer geek, and Internet geek, and a gadget geek. Yes I’m a super geek and proud of it. Being a geek and especially one who’s easily swayed by shiny gadgets, blinking lights, and the idea that there is “an app for that” I upgrade often. I don’t wait around for a new Internet browser I download beta and developer versions so I can play now. When a new version of software comes out I’m upgrading that same day. New hardware released and I’m plotting how much I can sell my old for to lower the cost of the new. I’ve always been one to upgrade as soon as something better came out. With computers this was an expensive hobby so I had to put boundaries in place to keep it under control. Same thing goes for video game systems, software, etc.

It’s not all geek stuff though, look around at your own life and you’ll find stuff you upgrade. VHS to DVD to Blu-Ray. Cassette tapes, to CD’s to MP3’s to streaming radio. 1st car junker, to sports car to family car back to sports car. bunk beds to futon to twin to a queen or king sized bed.

Upgrading is a part of our society. When something changes or goes bad we typically look around and say “is there something better to replace this?” If there is one available we upgrade, if not we either continue to deal with the “thing” as-is and talk about how when the new “version” comes out we’ll be getting that.

My grandparents owned two vehicles the entire time I was growing up, my grandfather only ever had one truck. They never talked about upgrading or getting the latest version. My grandfather was happy and content with his original yellow pick-up and when it wouldn’t run on the highways he still used it every day in the pasture and around the farm. It was never upgraded or replaced and I bet you he loved that rusted out bed, missing 2nd gear, finicky brakes and non-existent windshield wipers as much the day he passed as the day he bought it.

You might be thinking that’s sweet, or that he could have upgraded, or that my grandparents were just old-fashioned. You might be right and then again you could be wrong. I never asked him why he kept that yellow pick-up truck but I was thankful he did.

The problem I’m seeing with our “upgradeable society” is that we toss things away too quickly. As soon as something breaks we weight the cost of repair with the cost of the latest model. If we can justify it we toss the old and buy the new. It’s become a way of life and no one thinks anything of it.

But it’s not just “stuff” we are upgrading, we are also upgrading our relationships.

As an Oasis (Divorce Care) facilitator at my church I deal with divorce and people going through divorce for 13 weeks, at least 2 – 4 times a year. I hear their stories of heartache and disappointment. I see them struggle with the change and the uncertainty of their futures. It’s not easy, it’s not something for everyone but it’s my passion. It’s also a life lesson every time I start and end a group.

I hear at least once a cycle someone say they don’t know who their spouse is anymore. They’ve changed and aren’t the same person they married. They wonder where that person has gone and are finding it hard to love them. They don’t feel the spark, don’t have the same feelings they had etc. Sometimes these are the words and emotions coming from their mouth but more often it’s what their spouse said to them.

What hurts even more is then finding out that the spouse has “upgraded” their relationship. They found someone else to love, to share with, to relate to. They moved on and left this once love of their life to pick up the pieces.

This happens to couples who are married for a couple of years to 20 years and beyond. What upsets me is that I often wonder and want to ask these people “have you changed?” I know the answer, it’s always gong to be a yes I have changed, even if they don’t want to admit it. Why is it we assume that the people we know today are always going to stay the same? How is it that we can live with someone for years and not see this change or be interested in constantly learning the new them? At what point do we stop learning about our spouse and start looking for the upgrade?

My grandfather put a lot of time, effort, money, and love into that old yellow pick-up. He knew the pick-up would get old and change. It would sag, rust, get whiny, and not always work the way it used to. But he adapted, he loved on that pick-up and made sure to always learn the nuances of it as it aged. When he passed away that yellow pick-up was still running but without him to love it there was no option but to give it up.

I wish we would learn to treat our relationships with the same care, love, attention and patience that my grandfather showed that yellow pick-up truck.

Related posts:

1. Counting Smiles
2. Let’s Talk Relationships….
3. Rejection, For The Love Of God Get Over It!

Ask Answer Choice by FotoRita

I was smacked in the face with a realization recently. I tend to pursue girls who are not initially interested in me. This isn’t a bad thing as I recognize I’m not one to really show an interest in a girl, in what might be considered “normal” routines. So it’s not surprising to me when I tell a girl I’m interested in her that 9 out of 10 times there is a little shock and surprise in their response. The nice thing is most of these girls have seen traits etc in me which cause them to be curious, so when I do announce my interest in them, they are happy to see where it goes or give me a chance.

What I’ve discovered in my dating patterns and in really looking back to my past relationships, going all the way back to my first relationship, is that I was always being accepted but never chosen. The girls would see my “resume”, ie the stuff I could offer them, and were more than happy to go into the relationship.

They would accept me for who I was and overlook the “missing” parts.

It’s key to recognize that there were missing parts. Either they weren’t attracted to me physically, found some of my habits annoying, or just decided to overlook some of the stuff that makes me, me. In the end they accepted what they liked about me and hoped the other stuff would become easy to handle.

Being accepted is great, but being chosen is better.

The problem with just being accepted is that over time those qualities which they tried to ignore, get over, or just deal with, become annoyances. These annoyances continue to become more and more of a focus to them and they either internalize them and try to fix me, or externalize them and things begin to get complicated.

I don’t want to just be accepted anymore. I want to be chosen. I want to know that the girl I’m dating, the girl who’s decided to invest in me, the girl who decided to give me access to her life, wants all of me. This means she has to make the choice to be with me. She cannot just accept me and expect time and emotions (aka love) to solve everything.

Relationships are a lot of work. If you look around at successful christian relationships, which I’ve spent a lot of time doing, you see this everyday. They fight, they argue, they disagree, they complain about each other and in some cases they flat-out point out each others faults. They are broken and struggling just like the rest of us but none of this matters to them. They have not only accepted one another for who they are, they have chosen one another, faults, struggles and everything else which comes along.

Folks we aren’t perfect. I could list off about 20 things now I do which might make you run for the hills and that’s OK. I know that as long as girls keep saying no, as long as they chose NOT to choose me, I’m moving one step closer to that person God has chosen for me.

Become someones choice and stop settling for just acceptance.

Related posts:

1. Relationships – Is This What You Intended?
2. Relationships – It Starts In The Mirror
3. Friends, Who Needs Them! I Have A Girlfriend!

Cobija: Corporativa al atardecer - Flickr Meeting at Tusk by Voj

I remember the moment like it was yesterday. I had just started a 3 mile run with my best friend in high school Brian. I told him how a girl I was interested in and had been talking to over the past few weeks had decided to move forward and become my girlfriend. Brian smiles, tells me that’s awesome then says something which even today rocks my world.

“I’ll see you in four months Eric.”

You see Brian knew, along with all my other guy friends. As soon as I got into a relationship and made that commitment to the other person I was done. They would have very little to no contact with me during the course of our relationship which typically lasted 4 months or less for me. I would spend most, not all, but most, of my free time with this girl and her friends etc. I’d still hang with the guys but my mind was always elsewhere and I was always itching to “be with her”.

I’d like to say this was a high school thing, and a direct reflection of my maturity but alias that would be wrong. I continued this trend in college and even in my marriage. When I got involved with someone I lost everyone else.

I would justify it by saying how I needed to invest in her and the relationship in order for it to succeed. I needed to show her how important she was and that she could depend on me to be there, because I was always there. In reality though I was probably doing it more for me, then for her.

The girls of course loved it, at first. They loved the attention, they loved the comfort and security that came from having me around and doing stuff. They loved that they could spend hours talking to me about X, Y and Z.

Why do we do this? Why do we allow ourselves to get so wrapped up in one person that we forget the 5 or 50 people who have been with us up to this point? We believe that our friends will be there forever and we are probably right. What we don’t recognize though is that when we turn our backs on our friends we lose part of the foundation we built with them.

We think our friendships are built on rock and nothing can destroy them. In reality though each time we abandon a friend for a girl friend (GF) or boy friend (BF), we are drilling a hole in that foundation, tossing in a piece of dynamite, lighting the fuse and walking off. The first time we do this nothing happens really. Maybe some small cracks appear but over time the more we do it, the bigger the cracks.

Then one day that foundation crumbles and we are left to pick up the pieces.

Why is it so important for us to not abandon our friends?

Because they are our community. They have been there and will be there for as long as we desire them to be. Hebrews chapter 10 hits this hard:

Hebrews 10:25 – Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another–and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

When you abandon your friends your only source of real encouragement and wisdom comes from either the person you are dating or from yourself. I don’t know about you but that opens the door for a lot of selfish and self serving advice to be given.

When we surround ourselves with a community of friends we trust and value and maintain these relationships then we get poured into on a continual basis. Our friends will challenge us in ways our significant others cannot.

When you align yourself with just one person you put a ton of expectations and pressure on that person. The bible talks about us having many friends because God knows that one person cannot fulfill every need and desire we have.

Ecclesiastes 4:10-12 – “If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

Let’s face the fact also that your GF/BF does not, will not and cannot be expected to like and agree with everything you say or do. They also cannot understand every detail of your life, or why something makes you mad or sad. They don’t know how to handle everything you throw at them.

Our friends can handle everything which we through at them and even more because there are many of them.

Look at any large organization. There are a multitude of jobs, duties, tasks, and positions. You have presidents, sales reps, support teams, marketing, lawyers, janitors etc. Each one of these people is vital to the entire organization in order for it to continue to operate. We are much the same in that we have activities, feelings, thoughts, likes, dislikes etc.

If you took the time to evaluate your friends you would find that not one of them satisfies you 100% of the time. They each play a role in your life and together they can satisfy you but still all of them cannot do it 100%. This is where we need God to fill in the gap and that is why we have a desire to be with someone.

Genesis 2:18 – “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’ ”

God never designed us to do life alone. He wants us to have someone, to have community, and most of all to have Him. Remove any of these pieces and I promise you, life will be a lot harder than it has to be.

The bible talks about friendships and gives us so much wisdom on why it’s so important to create and maintain these friendships. Check out these verses and see what stirs in your heart and soul after reading them:

Friends provide wise counsel.
Proverbs 13:20 – He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harms.

Friends strengthen us
Proverbs 27:17 – As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

Friends may hurt us but we can trust their intentions are good
Proverbs 27:6 – Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses

Friends bring us happiness through their loving counsel
Proverbs 27:9 – Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel.

True friends will do anything for us.
John 15:13 – Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

So do yourself a favor. Figure out how you can have friends and a relationship and if you can’t, then work with your friends to figure out how this looks and works BEFORE your next relationship.

Related posts:

1. Relationships – Without Wisdom You’re Just A Player
2. Relationships – Is This What You Intended?
3. Not Happy Upgrade!

Day 290 / 265 - In search of a title ( emo background ) by JasonRogersFooDogGiraffeBee

One thing which became very clear to me while doing my self awareness walk, and even this past weekend at the 2009 Labor Day Retreat, was the idea of how badly we take rejection. It’s amazing how when you are forced to look back on your past relationships you realize just how poorly you let them finish.

So many times when a relationship would end, I would have two reactions. I would either turn into a whiny crying kid who just had his red fire truck run over. Or I’d be the spiteful bully who’d push you into your locker just because you got chocolate pudding and I got vanilla.

Sadly most of the time I was the kid crying.

We let our emotions control us so much during a relationship that it is so easy to let them totally overwhelm us when that relationship ends. Think about how much we invest in every relationship. The time, the energy, the research, the desires, the hopes, the dreams.

With every moment we are involved with someone, in any relationship we are giving a piece of ourselves to them.

At the retreat they talked a lot about that very idea. The term they used was access. We grant access to people and the more access someone gets, the more information they get about us. Our friends have a certain level of access, our family, our shrinks, and of course those whom we are dating. As we discover new insights into people and as our trust is built with them we open up more access for them in hopes we get the same.

Problems arise though when we give someone more access then they are willing to give us.

Personally I’m someone who would either give a lot of access right of the bat, or not much at all. After my divorce I held back a lot and wouldn’t open up because of all the access I had given my ex-wife, understandably. In the relationships where I was the crying kid it was typically because I had invested less in the relationship then the person I was investing in and when I invested more I was the bully.

So it’s no wonder we take rejection so hard. We often feel cheated in that we gave more than the other person. Or we are more honest about why things went wrong then the other person.

We take it personally that someone decided to tell us no rather than yes.

But in reality we need to take rejection and see it in a different light. I’ve started to look at rejection and all those no’s as opportunities to learn about myself. I’ve also embraced them as yes’s from God.

When someone says No to me I hear God say Yes.

Every no is me moving one step closer to the person God wants me to be with. It’s a step on a rock across the river rather than me wading through a swamp. I learn each and ever time how I can better myself, how I succeeded in this or that and how I failed here and there.

So we need to stop looking at rejection as something horrible and start to embrace it as an opportunity. An opportunity to be one step closer to the life, joy and happiness which God has designed for all of us!

Ephesians 2:10 – For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Related posts:

1. Become A Choice And Not Just Accepted
2. Counting Smiles
3. Let’s Talk Relationships….

lonely tree in the snow... by santo rizzuto

I’m in Destin Florida for the Labor Day Holiday weekend participating in the Labor Day Retreat which is a Christians Singles Conference put on by BuckHead Church’s larger group NorthPoint Ministries.

Today, more specifically Saturday night, was the first session and it put something on me which I had always believed and thought about but wasn’t sure how to full express it.

Oneness is what we should all be striving for.

Now I know a bunch of you are going to read that and think. What the H E Double Hockey Sticks are you talking about Eric? Why should I be one when I can be two and for some of you three or more. Or you might even be thinking that you’ll never get married if you’re always seeking oneness.

I used to think the same thing. That I had to have someone. That I had to find that special someone to “experience life with”. That I wasn’t complete until I got married.

Then I got married and then I got divorced.

I thought my life was over when I got divorced. I thought no one would ever love me again. I figured my dating world would be reduced to the bottom of the barrel because why would someone want to date a divorced guy. I immediately jumped into the idea that I needed to find someone. So I did want every other divorced person does, thinks of doing, or threatens to do.

I hit the bars and I hit them hard.

Lucky for me God had other plans and as I said the other night in small group. “He (God) just kept putting unattractive girls in front of me“. Which was a good thing, because I wasn’t ready to date at all. So I took a year off thinking I would focus on myself and God and then I’d be ready.

Wrong again. Thanks for playing.

A year ago this month, I started down a journey I thought would end well but didn’t. We’ll leave it at that because what’s really important is that I learned I wasn’t ready. I thought I knew myself and who I was in Christ but in reality I didn’t have a clear picture at all. I thought I knew the point of dating and why we date.

I thought we dated in order to marry. Wrong again stop playing, seriously.

You see that’s the problem. We all look at dating as just a step along the final goal to get married. Then once we are married we just settle into our routines. With this kind of planning and thinking it’s not a wonder the divorce rate is so high. We spend a ton of time planning our weddings but how many of us plan our marriage?

“The next time I get married I’m going to spend more time planning my marriage then my wedding.”

I wish I could take credit for that nugget of wisdom but alas it was my good friend Michelle’s comment. But it’s so true. No one plans their marriage, we just “do” marriage rather then be married. We play house and wonder why we struggle so much when things get rough.

God has it designed that a man and a woman when they marry become one flesh. We don’t become two. One plus One makes One in God’s eyes. But we cannot become one if we are not one with ourselves. One plus One only equals One in Gods eyes when we are right with Him and right with ourselves.

So you have to ask yourself? Are you One and are you happy being One or are you still trying to be Two?

Related posts:

1. Labor Day Retreat 2009 – My Thoughts

How to Get Along with Girls and Boys by Archie McPhee Seattle

Proverbs 19:21 – Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.

We all get burned from time to time in our relationships and it doesn’t matter if you are the one ending the relationship or the one being dumped. I’ve talked about Self Awareness and Wisdom but today it’s all about Intentions, a topic I’ve covered on my old blog. Our intentions and our perception of the other persons intentions have the possibility to either grow or burn the relationship.

I’m a 4 month guy. Meaning that most, OK all but 2, of my relationships lasted 4 months or less. I used to blame the local flower shops and my cooking skills as it always seemed after one of these events I got the boot. Many years went by before I decided it wasn’t my flower choices, or the dinner I cooked but something else. I wasn’t sure WHAT it was but I knew it wasn’t me.

Eric was wrong again.

One of the big things I’ve learned over time is that our intentions will directly dictate the outcome of our actions. In the dating world this is never more apparent. Think back to your dating life, for some of us that will be a hard journey requiring some scrunching up of our faces as we “try” to recall details. When I look back I see a lot of noble intentions but at the same time unreal. I treated almost every girl I dated as someone I’d marry. I was always seeking “the one” and was always so heart broken when it didn’t work out.

In college my intentions where similar but they were a lot more selfish and it was more about what can I get out of this relationship etc. What does this girl have to offer me? etc. My intentions turned from seeking out a wife, to seeking out self gratifying “stuff”. Read into that as much as you feel comfortable doing.

My marriage was all about making me better. Making me a husband, making me a better Christian, making me better overall. My intentions were to be fixed and when that didn’t happen the marriage suffered and ultimately failed.

I can’t speak for you but when I was growing up I was always asking “Why”. I wanted to know why people did things, why things worked they way they did etc. It was not uncommon for my mom to come home and find me sitting in a pile of “parts” as I had decided to dissect the computer, a VCR, tape recorder etc.

I was so curious and my intentions were clear. Tear it apart, figure out how it works and then put it back together so I could continue to use and enjoy it.

I needed to follow this same thinking in my relationships. I would spend so much time and effort trying to get to the finish line that I never learned how to run the race. It’s like taking a hammer to a DVD player so you can see what’s inside and then wondering why it won’t play your movies anymore.

I wish I could say that I discovered this little gem of knowledge right after my divorce but alas I’m still learning how intentions play into a relationship. But I have been able to learn two key pieces of information which I hope will help you.

Understand your intentions – You really have to ask the Why question over and over again until you get to the point where you just can’t answer it, then ask a few more time to make sure. Why are you interested in this person? Why do you want to date this person? Why do you want to learn about their secrets? why do you care? Keep asking until you get to the most finite reason and hopefully you’ll understand your intention.

Understand their intentions - Just because you have understand your intentions doesn’t mean the relationship is going to work. In fact if you only focus on your intentions and not the other persons you’ll be acting pretty selfish. It’s important to understand his or her intentions so you can understand where they are coming from and where they want to go. If you intention is X and their intention is Y then all your efforts to achieve X are going to be thwarted by their attempts to achieve Y.

So how do you see intentions playing a part of your relationships?

Related posts:

1. Let’s Talk Relationships….
2. Relationships – Without Wisdom You’re Just A Player
3. Relationships – It Starts In The Mirror

Wisdom by WTL photos

“A wise man once said….” “A good friend once told me….” “The best advice I ever got….”

What do all these little starter sentences have in common? Besides usually being the start to some serious wisdom smack downs, they all typically come from someone much wiser then the person delivering the wisdom.

In my last post we talked about how relationships really start with you. In this one I want to focus on two other important topics. Wisdom & Wise Council.

I look at relationships failing, going the wrong direction, or just struggling and I see a lot of “problems” as an outsider. I see people hiding their struggles and not being real. Conversations, which NEED to happen, are not happening, along with many other “things”. Every single time a relationship starts to go south the first thing people do is turn to the person next to them and ask “What should I do?”

“Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed.” – Proverbs 15:22

You’d think we’d get it after one or two failed relationships but we continue down the same path over and over again. We talk to our friends BEFORE we date or get involved, then totally ignore everything they tell us once we get involved. We think “I’ve got it covered” or “you just don’t understand him / her” or my favortie “You don’t know him / her like I do“.

All true and all so very wrong at the same time.

Look at the fall out between Jon & Kate and the South Carolina Governor Sanford. Both made tragic mistakes in judgment and both had deep regrets about their “choices”. Once I got past my initial anger and disappointment from both of these incidents I immediately began to wonder who was around them? Who was advising them? Who was talking to their hearts?

Who on the outside was looking into their life and speaking truth to their actions and intentions?

Wise council, we all need it. I’m not just talking about your BFF’s, or that old guy at church, or even your parents. I’m also not talking about your horoscope, your psychic, your taro cards or what your fortune cookie told you last night after your Moo Goo Gai Pan.

I’m talking about finding someone, or better yet a group of someones, who know you IN AND OUT. Someone whom you share everything about your life with. Someone who knows what your REAL struggles are and where you fall short.

The only true Wise Council comes from someone who knows the Real You.

Why do we need wise council? Why should we establish this person BEFORE we get involved? It’s simple really. When we are in a relationship something happens to our decision making process. Ideas which we normally would have spent days mulling over are now decided in a matter of minutes or seconds. Boundaries and moral decisions we were firm about a week ago are now being bent, stretched and even tip toed across if not totally disregarded.

We are not in our right mind when we are involved in a relationship, ever. I know this sounds harsh but look around. Even established couples who have been married for many years are making choices they wouldn’t have made years ago. People are dating and sacrificing their moral standard in order to maintain the acceptance they have received from their significant other.

There is something about a relationship which causes us to lose perspective.

This is why wise council is so awesome. If you’ve established it early or even if you’ve just established it with someone you trust, it can have major positive impact on your life and relationship. Think about it for a minute as a rational person and if you’re in a relationship now, I know I am asking a lot from you but try to keep up.

A person who’s acting as wise council can provide you with the following:

• Guidance on your current and past decisions.
• Give you the ability to see things from single or multiple angles.
• Speak truth to something you see, but cannot visualize.
• Remind you of what’s important TO YOU and not just your relationship.
• Kick you in the ass (yes I said ass) when you’re doing something stupid.
• Guide you down the path you need to travel down, not just down the path you desire.

Want a list of reasons not to have wise council? Ask anyone about the reasons for their divorce, their breakup or their heartache. There is a lot of truth in our failures, which all point back to the need for wise council.

Now let me make this really real for you. I’m 33 as of the time of writing this post. I’ve had my fair share of relationships which have failed and one failed marriage under my belt. Even my most recent relationships / interactions have turned out in ways I didn’t want them too. Why? Simple, I got caught up in the “I can do this” mentality.

Trust me you cannot do it alone.

For my Christian brothers and sisters out there bring it in close. I’ve got some serious wisdom to smack on you. You know all those “signs” you keep seeing from God about person X, or all those things you keep hearing from God? There is a a VERY good chance it’s not all God talking. Remember the devil has a voice as well and he is one sneaky dude. He will put so much truth out there and sprinkle in just enough untruth to spoil the whole thought. The problem is we are so wrapped up in the truth we miss the untruth.

Do not fall prey to the devil and his ability to sprinkle untruth into your life.

Every sign you see, every thought from God you have, every feeling and perception you encounter needs a filter. Your wise council is that filter. Lay it on them, speak from the heart and this is important so very very very important.

Listen, consume, apply and put into action what your wise council recommends.

Remember their whole purpose is to help you navigate life and see you succeed. Your wise council should follow Jeremiah 29:11 when thinking of you. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

So in closing once you’re done looking in the mirror seek out your wise council. Don’t be afraid to ask for it and seek it out. Nothing bad has ever come from the pursuit of bettering oneself.

Proverbs 2:10-15

10 For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul. 11 Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you. 12 Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words are perverse, 13 who have left the straight paths to walk in dark ways, 14 who delight in doing wrong and rejoice in the perverseness of evil, 15 whose paths are crooked and who are devious in their ways.

Related posts:

1. Let’s Talk Relationships….
2. Relationships – Is This What You Intended?
3. Friends, Who Needs Them! I Have A Girlfriend!

Man In The Mirror by benisntfunny

While pondering this series of posts on relationships, I kept wondering where I should start. Should I talk about intentions first, or maybe wise council is where people should focus. Then again maybe we should spend time defining our boundaries or even coming up with the qualities we should be seeking.

I honestly had no clue where to put down the first stone. What topic would set the tone and the overall path we would journey down. So I took it to God and spent my days talking to Him. Most mornings, I wake up and talk to God as I get ready for my day. This is typically a very vocal conversation (meaning I talk out loud) and I’m sure my cats often wonder who I’m talking with. On this particular morning I was talking to Him about this series and as I transitioned from my closet to the sink, I realized where it all really begins.

I stopped mid-step and stared at myself in the mirror and realized I needed to write about starting at a point where most of us finish.

We need to start with ourselves. Relationships should start in the mirror.

Now to many of you this might be a “Duh” moment. If you’re like I used to be, then you think you know yourself and you’ll just wait for my next post. But ask yourself this. If you really know yourself then why are your relationships still failing?

You can’t possibly be so unlucky that every person you come in contact with is that messed up and “wrong” for you. Have you ever considered that the problem was you and not them at all?

Did I just offend you? Did that question make you shift in your seat? Or maybe it just caused the knee jerk response “No my last boyfriend / girlfriend just wasn’t what I’m looking for!”

For years that was me. Most of my relationships lasted no more then 4 months. When we would breakup it was usually because of some other person or some silly excuse about me. It wasn’t till years later, after many failed dating experiences and a failed marriage that I discovered the true reasons my relationships failed.

I didn’t have a clue who I was.

I would look in the mirror and see one thing, then I’d go out into the world and act in a completely different way. I knew what I wanted and how I thought about certain things and what would make me happy. But at the same time I had no idea who I truly was.

So after my divorce I began a serious journey of self discovery. It wasn’t easy and there were many times I fell and scrapped my knees. Each time I fell though i realized it was in direct correlation to me trying to do what would allow others to accept me, rather then me just being me.

One of the biggest things we all desire is acceptance. We all want to feel and be accepted by those around us. This drive for acceptance is what drives a lot of our desires and choices in life. This is never more apparent then in our friendships and relationships. We choose activities, words and even our clothes, all in hopes of becoming accepted or to maintain the level of acceptance we have already gained.

So why do we crave acceptance so much? How is it that this one word or idea can have so much control over so many things in our lives?

I believe we seek acceptance from others because we have failed to accept ourselves.

Now I cannot speak for any of you. I cannot say why or if you have or have not accepted yourself. All I can do is talk to my own journey and hope some wisdom can be gleamed from it all.

For me it boiled down to a lack of confidence and self esteem. I felt who I was, would not be good enough for anyone and therefore I had to become someone else. I needed to develop habits, hobbies and interests which would make me more attractive to those around me.

What I discovered though was I was giving up more then I was gaining. It was not until I started to appreciate the qualities etc. which I possessed that I truly began to accept myself.

So how did I do it?

I got really, really, really, real with myself. I started to pay attention to my actions, conversations and thoughts which I would have around my family, friends and especially around those whom I was attracted to.

Paying attention to yourself can be a wondrous and sometimes scary ordeal. You start to recognize things which draw people to you and push them away. It’s when you can align these actions to the real and fake you, that you start to gleam a lot of wisdom.

For me though I needed some outside wisdom. I took a strengths finder test, I talked with friends and read a ton of books. All of this lead me to a simple idea for personal discovery and self awareness.

Name It. Claim It. Own It.

Every team is only as strong as the weakest person. The same is true about you and me. We are only as strong as our greatest struggle. So the path to self discovery really boils down to understanding your struggles and weakness’s.

First thing you need to do, is name your struggles. Get out a pen and paper, or start the app on your phone or computer to take notes. However you decide to do it, do it. Write down everything you struggle with. The big stuff, the small stuff, the silly stuff, the stuff that just seems stupid.

Write it all down.

Next you have to claim them. I know what you are thinking, “Eric I just wrote them all down and I’m looking at them. Isn’t this me claiming them?” No. It’s just you naming them, acknowledging that they exist in your life. You haven’t claimed spit yet.

To claim your struggles you have to make associations to them. You have to see your struggle and apply it to a real world scenario. For example take my struggle with confidence. For that I tied a bunch of stuff to it. I tied dancing, talking to new and attractive women, shopping for clothes etc. All of these things cause me to lose confidence and force me to change who I am in order to hide my struggle.

This idea of applying real world scenarios to your struggles takes time and is not something you will be able to do in one sitting. As you go about your day, start to keep a mental note of your struggles and as you are faced with them, bookmark that moment in your life. When you come back to your list add it.

So at this point you have a list of your struggles (name it) and you’ve got a list of real world events which force your to face your struggles (claim it). So now what? How do you own it?

I think a more important question to ask yourself is do you want to own it? Do you want to face your struggles and really take control of them. Please know that just because you take control of them doesn’t mean they will go away. In fact for a bit of time you’ll be struggling more with them then before because you’ll be conscious of them.

OK so how do you own it? How do you own your struggle? You accept it. You give yourself permission to fail and know that it will take time to overcome the struggle. Own It is not about actually beating your struggle, or even overcoming it. Owning it means that you own the struggle more then it owns you.

When you Own It you are setting yourself free to BE who you need to BE. You are no longer doing for others but are being for yourself. If a struggle seems to big then don’t try to own it right away. Find a smaller struggle and gradually work up to the bigger ones. I didn’t start with confidence and I won’t finish with it either. Recognize it’s a gradual journey filled with many adventures and each one you accomplish is a step towards the real you.

So look in a mirror, what do you see?

Related posts:

1. Let’s Talk Relationships….
2. Relationships – Is This What You Intended?
3. What’s Going On Here?!?!

It began as a beautiful relationship by Steve took it

There are a lot of things I want to say about what went down with all the recent high profile relationship disasters. Just to recap in the recent months we’ve seen the following go down:

• Jon & Kate begin the Divorce process
• South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford caught in a relationship with a woman from Argentina
• Chris Brown & Rhianna have domestic problems
• Billy Joel filed for Divorce
• Usher filed for Divorce
• Mel Gibson filed for divorce
• and many many more….

Out of all this it’s not a surprise to see the divorce rate in America climbing. As a divorced man I have a lot of emotions, feelings and of course opinions about a lot of those people listed above. I also have my fair share of thoughts for those non celebrity divorces occurring without the headlines and media presence.

I could talk about how the bible hates divorce. How marriage is a covenant not a contract. How people are so quick to throw out the “D” word when things start to go badly.

But I’m not going to, at least not yet.

No I think as a Christian we tend to jump to quickly and “attack” these types of incidents. We point the fingers and say how they should have done this, or not done that, or if they just got into church everything could have been avoided.

There is some wisdom in these soap box speeches but there is a lot more opinion mixed in as well.

Now before you go getting your underwear in a knot or decide to reach for that comment link please let me put some of my opinions out there. Remember these are MY opinions and are only here to set the tone of future posts in this series and to give you an idea of where I’m coming from.

• I think divorce is wrong and I am divorced.
• I think EVERY marriage can be saved, yes even my marriage could have been saved.
• I think there are MANY symptoms for a failed marriage but believe there is only ONE real reason.
• I believe that no one is the sole responsible party for a failed marriage. It takes two to make a marriage work and two to make it fail.

So where am I going with all this? What’s the point? It’s time we, you and me and everyone else who reads this blog, to talk relationships. It’s time that I put a little wisdom on you, which I have learned from my past.

I don’t have all the answers in fact I don’t have any real answers. I just have information which has been spoken or poured into me which I am going to share with all of you.

There is no magic formula on how to have a successful relationship but I believe there are some certain truths, which every successful relationship will have.

So let’s do this. Let’s get real about relationships. Let’s put it all out there and finally attack something we all desire but always seem to fail at. We’ll talk about intentions, accountability, communication, sex, fights, good times and bad times, family and so much more.

So who’s with me?

Related posts:

1. Relationships – Without Wisdom You’re Just A Player
2. Relationships – It Starts In The Mirror
3. Relationships – Is This What You Intended?

Between this and this I’m at a loss for words really. This post doesn’t even get a picture because the one I’d post would probably be really mean.

Joel Thomas recently gave a sermon on Proverbs 12:1. He sumed it up with a simple phrase.

Don’t Be Stupid.

If you’ve read my old blog you already know I’m divorced. If you haven’t then check out these posts and catch up.

So needless to say these recent events have me pretty “opininated” I’m keeping my mouth shut for now, letting God marinate my thoughts before I stick them on the web for all to see.

Mmm imagine that, a guy thinking about his actions before he does something stupid. Maybe I should call these two families up and invite them to coffee…

Related posts:

1. Let’s Talk Relationships….